Banter? More Like Life
by Cormag Ravenstaff
Summary: A story comprised entirely of dialogue and banter. Lightning and Fang are always on their witty comment game, even in tricky situations. Rated T, but borders on M.
**I challenged myself to write a story that only has dialogue. I picked the two characters that were simply easiest for me to write in this setting. It's up to you to figure out who is talking, but once you get it it'll switch off like a normal conversation.**

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 **Banter? More Like Life**

"And what gave you the impression I ever thought you could drive well?"

"Maybe it was that one time we were having sex, and then the car shifted out of park. If you remember, it was _I_ that steered us out of danger."

"If by danger, you mean another parked car that we were over ten feet away from."

"Still danger. Just parked, motionless and still danger."

"I hardly think that qualifies."

"I hardly think _you_ qualify!"

"What does that even mean?"

"It means you should have let me drive! Because then we clearly wouldn't have been in this situation."

"You flirt too much to drive."

"That's not a thing."

"Yes it is. Do you remember the time we were off to see that movie on our second date?"

"…That was on purpose."

"I believe the excuse you gave me that time was: 'I was too busy staring at your pronounced chest to worry about the road. Priorities, am I right?'"

"…I didn't say that."

"You did. And you know you did."

"Well, it is a very nice chest."

"That status of my bust is not going to get us out of this."

"Sure it could. All ya have to do is flirt your way out of bad scenarios. That's what I do."

"…Do you only do that with me, or all the time?"

"Uh…"

"My girlfriend dearest, have you been flirting with other women?"

"No, I'd never do that. I just merely…distract them from the situations at hand."

"…When we get back home, I'm going to be on top. For a month."

"Fuck."

"You're lucky you're getting that much."

"You know I'm adorable. You can't resist me."

"If I say yes, do I get to drive from now on?"

"But you're the one who crashed!"

"I'm also the dominant one."

"Like hell you are! Name three times when you've been dominant!"

"Last Thursday, Tuesday and Monday."

"Three times that don't involve sex."

"Last time we were with Serah, the time at the ice cream stand with Vanille, and when Snow asked us what 'Feminine Wiles' were."

"…Point made. Still, I can be dominant sometimes."

"Name one time."

"Last Wednesday—"

"No sex."

"Oh, right. Fuck. Um…"

"Exactly."

"Hey! This isn't fair! I don't obsess over you like you do with me!"

"I was under the impression you didn't mind it when I obsessed over you. Especially in bed."

"Okay, that's true. But my point is that you pay attention to these little victories more than I do."

"I think we just differ in what we focus on. I bet you can tell me the last three times you beat me at something athletic."

"There was the time when…wait…"

"Oh hang on, that's never happened."

"It has so!"

"Then why can't you remember?"

"…Bitch!"

"Language, darling."

"Oh, excuse me! I am going to think of one time when I one-upped you. Watch me."

"If you do, I'll grope your chest when the other driver finally decides to come here."

"I don't drive like a drunk mole rat when being flirted with."

"That doesn't—"

"Ah ah ah! Hands."

"…Fine. Here he comes."

"…"

"…"

"…mmm…"

"…"

"…And there he goes."

"If we just got out of paying for damage by groping each other, then we're going to need to celebrate."

"Holy shit, I actually think he's leaving."

"No…"

"Look! There goes his car!"

"You'd think it'd be something he'd seen before."

"Boobs, probably. But that expression on your face was terrifying."

"Were you scared?"

"I was turned on, actually."

"…You're a strange woman."

"I shit you not. You should see it sometime. I think you'd get hot and bothered."

"I'd get turned on because of myself?"

"Well, maybe?"

"What the fuck goes through your mind? Do you fantasize about me having sex with myself?"

"Don't you think that about me?"

"…"

"…"

"…"

"…touché."

"You know you love me."

"I question it sometimes…but yes."

"Aw, you're making me blush!"

"Why is that significant? All I have to do is _this_ to make you blush."

"…No fair."

"Completely fair, in my opinion."

"There is no way you're that flexible."

"Are you displeased?"

"Fuck no. Fuck to the no. No fucks given. Fucks are out to lunch, and they left nothing behind. My field in which I grow my fucks is barren, for there are none."

"You're a dork."

"Aw, you're flirting with me!"

"I'm flir—then what was all that we just did?"

"Foreplay."

"…Why did I even ask? I could have guessed that."

"If we're going to have sex, can we do it in the backseat? There's more room."

"Never mind that we're in a car off the side of the road with a popped tire and a broken headlight?"

"Sounds romantic."

"I will bet you money that someone is going to come and investigate this car. And given how long I last, that'll be a big window."

"Hey, how long we _both_ last. Give credit where credit is due, luv."

"Fair enough. You have stamina. Just not as much as me."

"Oh, it is on!"

"…"

"Speechless?"

"I'm torn between wondering how you were able to get all your clothes off that quickly, and asking whether we're still going to the backseat."

"I'm taking you now, and we are going to open the windows for the world to hear your screams."

"That sounds like a challenge. I will not scream."

"You will."

"Unless you do first."

"Bring it!"

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 **Author Notes: Banter is something I consider to be my strong suit. That being said, it can get away from me XD Let me know how you liked all this banter! Do you think I'm any good with it?**


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